Okay, this might not actually be much of a secret, but I feel, in light of recent events, I need to get this out there.
I DON'T LIKE SHOWING EMOTION. Not like excitement or happiness or even anger or frustration. I have no trouble with those. I don't like letting others know that I'm sad or hurt. EVER.
Seriously. I'd rather throw up twice a day, every day, give birth without an epidural, get cavities filled without novocaine, do pretty much anything else in the entire world than let someone else see me cry (incidentally, I have done all of those things, but that's neither here nor there).
Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because I don't want to be the stereotypical girl that cries all the time and gets what she wants. Maybe it's because I've never gotten everything I wanted when I cried. :) Maybe it's because I turn into a sniffling, coughing, red puffy mess when I cry, and no one deserves to see that. Whatever the reason or reasons, it's not something I like to do in front of anyone, even Cole.
Unfortunately, this makes me look like I don't care deeply about important things, even to members of my own family. I'm really good at showing passion, aggression, and anger in the heat of the moment, but I don't cry until after the fact. If something does hurt my feelings, I try to cover it up with sarcasm or jokes until I can get home and fall apart where no one can see me. So, in an argument, I always look like the aggressor, the mean heartless witch, even if I'm falling to pieces inside.
In addition, I care deeply for my friends and family. I spend a lot of my time thinking and worrying and praying about them. But, apparently, I'm horrible at showing that. I'm not sure if I'm extremely socially awkward or if it's somehow linked to my inability to cry, but I constantly find myself wishing there was more I could do to help someone in need or show someone I care. I don't hesitate to tell people that I'm there for them if they need someone, and I'm always very sincere, but am I just not believable? Do I seem too distant, too busy, too self-absorbed?
I have only a handful of people with whom I am truly close, and they are all family members. I do have friends, but my relationships with them all seem more casual and distant. I'm not sure our ties go deep enough that they would ever rely on me if they needed help. And I'm pretty sure any hesitation they'd have is because of some personality flaw I have.
I really don't want this to sound like a pity party. I don't sit around boo-hooing and complaining because I don't have millions of friends. I'm extremely blessed to have the close friends that I have. I'm just looking for ways to become a better friend to others. I want to be the kind of friend that others feel confident asking for help, or a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on.
But, maybe the key to being that kind of friend is needing that kind of friend. Not crying in front of people means I don't often talk about things that are close to my heart. So, I guess I can understand why people wouldn't want to confide in me--I'm not likely to reciprocate that level of intimacy.
So, what do you think, armchair psychologists? I could really use some insight.