5.23.2013

The First Trimester: Round 4

Well, here I go again. Can you believe it? I can't.

Seriously though, I can't believe it. This was a huge "surprise"/"unplanned"/"WTF" pregnancy.

Since the internet is a safe space (ha ha) I'm going to be open and honest about this whole thing. I know how insensitive and callous it may sound to many people, particularly those who struggle with infertility or are unable to have their own children. My heart genuinely goes out to those people. I can't imagine how hard it must be. But, my feelings are valid and allowed, so I don't want any trollers commenting on how lucky I am to even be able to have my own children or how they wish they could get pregnant by accident and I shouldn't be complaining...or those judgers who snidely say "How can any pregnancy be a 'surprise' when you're 'doing the deed'?" If you have those opinions, keep them to yourself. I beat myself up enough as it is for having these feelings; I don't need your vitriol.

That being said, I was NOT pleased when I found out I was pregnant again. In fact, I burst into hysterical tears. Matthew was not quite 1. Sure, we were planning on having another child...but not for at least 6-12 months! My sister-in-law had recently announced she was expecting, and I was more than happy to let her have all the gestating glory (even though she told me multiple times she wanted me to be her prego buddy--guess she got her wish!). But, apparently Heavenly Father has a grander plan, because it is only through His will that this happened. That is all that needs to be said.

Most of the time, I'm still in disbelief. I'm 15 weeks in and I'm just NOW beginning to grasp that we'll have another baby in November. I have brief flashes of anticipation and excitement, but mostly, all I feel is numb, tired, and overwhelmed. Cole is excited. My parents and siblings (for the most part) are excited. Kyle is excited. I keep hoping it will all rub off on me, but no such luck yet.

I think once I know whether this baby is a girl or a boy I'll be able to generate some enthusiasm. I have to be honest, though: if it's another boy, I will burst into tears. I'm not sure I can do four boys. Most days, I feel like I can barely handle three. Once I get over the initial shock, though, I'll be ok. I truly love my boys, and I'll love any more that come along just as much. But to have a girl...I'm not even allowing myself to think of it as a possibility because it'll be that much more disappointing if it doesn't pan out. I know, I know...I'm a horrible mother for wishing for a girl instead of a boy. But I'm being honest here, remember?

Anyway, on to how I've been feeling this time around. This pretty much sums it up:
Comic found here
Except, I actually do look pregnant...kind of. I'm still in that awkward "is she pregnant or just pudgy?" phase, which is annoying. But the nausea part? Totally accurate. I'm finally coming out of it...mostly. I still have random moments where I breathe wrong and a wave of nausea hits me, and I still get queasy if my stomach gets too empty...but at least it's not constant anymore! This is the worst I've ever felt. I lost five pounds from my first appointment to my second, and I've maybe put a couple back on in the last little while. It depends on the day.
 
Besides the nausea, I've also experienced the weirdest side effect ever: HIVES. I guess it's not so much hives as my skin is extremely sensitive and, quite frequently, itchy. If I scratch even a tiny bit my skin INSTANTLY busts out hives. Sometimes, all it takes is more firm contact than usual to bring on the hives. It's been super weird. My doctor didn't seem too concerned; he said it was likely a side effect of extra estrogen due to the pregnancy and to take Benadryl if it gets unbearable, which is what I've been doing. I have to be careful to only take one at a time during the day; otherwise, I'm a snoring, unconscious mess.
 
The symptoms haven't been all bad, though. My skin is more radiant and less prone to breakouts. My fingernails are strong and beautiful (in fact, I should have known I was pregnant because my nails looked so nice pretty much from the beginning), and my hair is growing super fast. I'm hoping to start feeling flutters soon. I first felt Lucas and Matthew around 15 weeks, so I wouldn't be surprised if it happens soon. Of course, that would mean I was sitting still without being asleep or having kids climbing on me, which doesn't happen very often.
 
I guess the best way to sum up this pregnancy is "my spirit is willing, but my body is weak." I know this baby is a blessing to our family, and I know he/she is meant to come to our family right now. I'm just not sure my body can handle another pregnancy, labor, and birth so soon after Matthew's. His birth was really hard on me, and I remember thinking afterward, "I'm not sure I can do this again." But, I know if I have faith, Heavenly Father will buoy me up and strengthen me so I'm able to do what needs to be done. That's the only way I'm going to make it through.

5 comments:

that's what she said...

I love your honesty! And major props to you for doing the day by day hard pregnancy and nausea with 3 little boys running around (I seriously could not imagine!!!). People have started asking me 'when' and all I can think is, NOT RIGHT NOW. The logistics of it alone are crazy let alone my sanity. BUT, once that baby comes it will all seem as it should be. So excited for you to find out either way-and I get those feelings too. I cried with my last one when they said boy. But I wouldn't trade him for a girl any day. Just perhaps tack a girl on the bunch after him.... ;)

Melinda said...

I totally feel for you. I too cried I found out I was pregnant and I had a 9 month old. It's tough to deal with a baby again so soon. It will all work out and you will get through it. I also cried when I heard "its a boy" for the 4th time. At the time it was hard to face that I will never have a little girl of my own. But I have now come to terms with it and I LOVE being a mom to boys. Plus some of my friends have said their girl was their hardest so having a girl may not make having 4 any easier. Whatever happens, keep your head up and enjoy the moments.

Brittany Kenner said...

Love your honesty, sorry you've been so sick though :( I can't imagine being itchy all the time. I pray everything goes smoothly and your uncomfortable symptoms subside soon. You've always been very open and optimistic about the giving birth part of having a baby so I'm confident you will know exactly what to do and what your body can handle. Maybe we will putt a "Father or the bride" scenario and have our babies on the same day at the same hospital ;)

Brittany Kenner said...

I meant pull*

Trisha said...

I feel for you. My second baby was a complete and udder oops. I cried for days when I found out and actually thought for a breif second about abortion or adoption. My older one was only 3 months old when I got pregnant. Once we found out what we were having I started feeling better. If you ever need to talk about it no one knows better about unplanned close babies.

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